A Deep Dive Into Listening
Silently observing the waves of the Chesapeake Bay, I am experiencing a sense of urgency, now more than ever to take a deep dive into the topic of listening.
So much suffering and needless misunderstanding exists in the world and in day-to-day life. People are suffering and so are nations. Leaders are suffering and so are teams. Children are suffering and so are parents.
How often have you heard it said, or have said to yourself, “Is anyone listening?” On the subway, in political conversations, in the media, in schools, at work, at home – everyone is talking, but who is listening? Yet, the great plea of our time seems clear to be: “Please listen to us.”
We are taught how to speak from the moment we are born. We are educated to speak well and are rewarded for it. Yet, no one gives us any instructions about listening. Can you imagine hearing adults explicitly ask a child to mimic listening in the same way that they constantly prod toddlers to mimic their words?
Did you ever get a lesson in first, second, or third grade about how to listen? We are carefully and thoughtfully educated about how to speak properly, how to read, and how to write, but not how to listen.
Because of all of this, we have grown into patterns of communicating which are fundamentally based on talking.
Typically in conversation, listening is backgrounded and is mainly used to gather clues for what to say next. The emphasis on our mental focus is in forming talk. What listening we do practice is effectively a servant of our talking. The result is that we are constantly talking to, or at each other and rarely listening.
And yet, listening is the essential element of communication. It is more important than any other element of communication in creating understanding.
Listening is, especially, an essential art of leadership. Without effective listening, leadership loses effect. Talking directs. Listening understands. Effective leadership is direction with understanding.
I have been working and dwelling in reflection on this topic for decades – learning through readings and teachings and deep conversations with others, and through many long silent retreats in nature over many years, allowing listening to reveal itself, as it does if you give it space.
I stand on the shoulders of many thoughtful people who, like many of our personal influencers, might or might not be aware of their impact, as I am once again diving into this crucial topic as a concerned human being who is also a leadership coach, an anthropologist, and a sociolinguist.
I have had the great fortune to have met, talked, and worked with some of the principal architects of pragmatic linguistics and sociolinguistics, including John Searle, Irving Goffman, and Deborah Tannen, all pioneers in understanding the significance of the generative role of language in human behavior and interaction.
I have had the privilege to study and work with Julio Ollala who along with Fernando Flores based the field of Ontological Coaching on the pragmatic linguistics principles of Goffman, Heidegger, Searle, and others.
I have explored crucial dimensions of listening and understanding in business, professional and educational contexts in conversations with Bob Dunham, Founder and CEO of IGL Global; Organization Development pioneer, Edie Seashore; Waldorf education leader, Douglas Gerwin, and many, many others over many years.
All the while, over the past thirty-plus years I have been engaged in the continuing pursuit of a deeper understanding of the phenomenon of listening and our experience of it through hundreds of ongoing conversations and experiential silent retreat explorations with Dieter Mittelstein-Scheid, Batya Schwartz, and Kevin Mutschler.
Recalling the insight that the only thing that liberates and encourages people’s capacity to listen is the experience of being listened to and heard themselves, I am longing now in this crucial time to revisit some of the deeper dimensions of listening, and explore anew what is going on when we are actually engaged in listening.
What distinctions may be observed in experience between listening from the head, the heart, the body, and the soul? What does it mean to ‘listen to’ something, to ‘listen for’ something, or to ‘listen into’ something?
What is the role of intention in listening? What are the effects of context in listening? What are the boundaries we navigate when listening? What is the play of culture in listening? What does authentic listening look like? What does it feel like? How do we know we are listening? How can we tell how we are listening? How does another person know we are listening? How do they detect sincerity?
I know there are many models of listening that coaches and others who are paid to listen to work with. I realize that many people and professionals are acutely aware of the critical need in our lives, personally and globally, to listen to each other, especially now. Yet, time and time again we fail at it. Even as coaches we do. And it’s ok. We are human. We are supposed to fail. That’s how we learn.
Listening into listening is as complex and delicate as the art of listening itself. To gain insight into the many dimensions of what is going on in listening, what are the implications of how we listen to others, and what are the implications for others of how we listen, we need to make space. For me, making space for listening is what allows the inner dimensions of listening to arise, allowing the other to be revealed.
I invite you to join me in this deep dive into listening for the sake of exploring forms of practice that will allow more space to emerge for authentic listening in all aspects of our lives so that, “We can take care of all that we care about.” (Bob Dunham)
I will be sharing reflections on listening into listening in the weeks and months ahead. I invite you to participate in these reflections with me.